When my son hit the tantrum phase a little after his first birthday, I was ready. I’d done my research, saved all the viral tips, and felt confident about tackling those big emotions with gentle parenting strategies. You know the ones—get on their level, name the feeling, validate it. I had the words down: “You’re feeling frustrated because you want the toy,” and I was ready to ride out those emotional waves.
But as the months went on, the waves got bigger. By the time he turned two, his tantrums were longer, louder, and more frequent. I stayed consistent, holding onto those gentle parenting principles, even as I was running out of patience. When we hit age three, and nothing seemed to be improving, I felt like I was failing—not just him, but myself. That’s when I realized I needed help.
I turned to a parent coach, someone who could guide me in figuring out what my deeply feeling child needed—and what I needed as a mom. Through that journey, I discovered there’s no one-size-fits-all formula, even for the most well-intentioned parenting methods. Gentle parenting has its place, but sometimes, it needs to be adjusted to fit your child and your family.
So today I’m sharing the lessons I learned, the advice I received, and how I reframed my approach to parenting when I was ready to throw in the towel. If you’ve landed here feeling like you’re doing all the “right” things and it’s still not working, you’re not alone. Let’s talk about how to adjust without giving up on the values that brought us here in the first place.
Understanding Gentle Parenting’s Foundation
Gentle parenting has become a popular alternative to more traditional discipline methods. Rooted in empathy, respect, and connection, it prioritizes building trust and guiding children through challenges rather than relying on punishment or control. This approach resonates with many parents who hope to raise emotionally resilient, kind children.
But even with its many benefits, gentle parenting can feel hard to sustain—especially when your child’s big emotions collide with your own exhaustion. Real life isn’t as straightforward as a parenting book, and tantrums in the middle of the grocery store aren’t exactly conducive to calm reasoning.
If you’re curious about the philosophy behind gentle parenting, this resource offers a great introduction. You might also explore The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, which breaks down brain science in a practical, relatable way.
The emphasis on empathy
At the core of gentle parenting is empathy—seeing things from your child’s perspective and responding with understanding, not anger. Think leaning in when your toddler throws a toy across the room or melts down over the “wrong” cup color, and pausing, staying present, and saying something like, “I see you’re upset,” instead of jumping straight to discipline. The emphasis on empathy encourages you to think about your child's behavior and guide them through their emotions and actions, not shut them down.
It’s a really nice concept, but in the middle of a busy day, it can feel hard to keep your cool. Like when you’ve asked your child to get in the car seat five times, or they’re refusing dinner for the third night in a row (been there and been there—actually, *still* there as a mom of two toddlers).
While it sounds ideal, staying calm and supporting your child through all their big feelings and getting to the other side with them, it’s no secret that this level of patience can stretch even the most committed parent—especially when you’re exhausted or juggling everything else in your day to day.
Does gentle parenting work for everyone?
Life is complicated. Life with a toddler? That’s complicated on fire. Which means some days you’re the calm, empathetic parent you imagined you’d be, and other days, you’re negotiating over which pair of shoes they’ll wear to daycare—while running late.
Gentle parenting can feel like a wonderful philosophy, but let’s be real: when your toddler’s big emotions collide with your own exhaustion or stress, it’s not always easy to lead with patience and understanding. Whether it’s repeating the same boundary until you’re not even sure if you’re saying the words correctly anymore or trying to stay calm through a meltdown in the checkout line, these moments are hard.
So, if you feel like you're constantly thinking, ‘gentle parenting isn't working for me,' it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It just means you’re human—and parenting is a messy, complex job.
Gentle parenting isn't working for me: what are the signs?
I’ve always liked the quote that says if you’re worried about your parenting, it’s likely because you’re a good parent and you're doing a good job. It’s such a nice reminder that your concern comes from a place of love and intention because you want to do right by your child. And that’s the thing, even the most thoughtful parenting approaches, like gentle parenting, might not click with every family. But the fact that you’re thinking this over and trying to find what works best means you’re a good parent. So please, remind yourself of that.
If you’ve been sticking to gentle parenting but feel like you’re spinning your wheels, you’re not alone. Here are a few signs that it might be time to adjust your approach:
1. Constant Power Struggles
If every boundary feels like a negotiation or you’re locked in daily battles over basic requests, it might indicate that your approach isn’t clicking with your child.
2. Emotional Burnout
If you feel emotionally drained from trying to stay patient and empathetic 24/7, that’s a red flag that this style might not be sustainable without some adjustments.
3. Lack of Improvement in Behavior
Gentle parenting emphasizes teaching through connection, but if the same issues persist without progress, it could be time to tweak your methods to better suit your child’s temperament.
4. Strained Family Dynamics
If the tension between you, your child, and even your partner feels constant, it might be time to rethink your approach.
5. Loss of Confidence
Second-guessing yourself at every turn is a clear sign something needs to shift.
Recognizing resistance and frustration
These signs can act as a helpful check-in point—letting you know when it might be time to reevaluate and adjust your approach.
Your toddler:
- Frequent meltdowns over boundaries or requests.
- Pushing limits constantly, even after consistent guidance.
- Increased defiance or refusal to follow directions.
You:
- Feeling overwhelmed or emotionally drained by day-to-day parenting.
- Struggling with bursts of anger or irritation more often than usual.
- Losing confidence in your ability to handle challenging moments.
How it’s affecting your family dynamics
Are you constantly finding that you and your partner are both burned out and frustrated? Feel like the tension is spreading? Maybe everyone in the house seems a little miserable—not just from a tough day (those are going to happen no matter what), but in a way that feels constant, like things are just always off.
Maybe you’re clashing over how to handle your child’s every mood and move, or your toddler’s struggles with boundaries are creating this ripple effect that leaves everyone on edge. When the dynamic feels strained, it’s likely a sign to step back and figure out what might need to shift.
Exploring the reasons behind the struggle
When things at home are just feeling off the rails, it’s worth digging in a little bit to find the cause (or causes). Could it be some sort of sleep regression? (Been there!) Any changes that have happened like starting a new school or childcare? Changing up something at home? Sickness?
If nothing else really comes to mind other than an approach to gentle parenting feeling way harder than it should—maybe that’s your place to start making some adjustments. Just know, your child’s unique personality, your family’s circumstances, and even your own expectations, are all a factor here.
Sometimes, the disconnect comes from a mismatch between your child’s temperament and the methods you’re using. Other times, external pressures or the weight of unrealistic parenting expectations might be adding more stress than support.
Remember—one size fits all parenting isn’t a thing. You’re doing a great job. Sometimes there are just other possibilities that could be shaping why things aren’t working.
Mismatch between parenting style and child's temperament
It’s funny how we sometimes expect trends to automatically click with our kids—like gentle parenting is the magical answer for every family. But think about it: not every trend works for us as adults, even the trivial ones like fashion (hello, low-rise jeans) or IG hacks that fall flat IRL. Why would parenting be any different?
The reality is, every child is unique. Some kids might thrive with a gentle approach, while others need firmer boundaries or different types of guidance to feel secure.
And this is about you, too. Parenting in a way that feels forced or unnatural is exhausting, and that mismatch can lead to frustration for everyone.
External pressures and unrealistic expectations as a parent
It’s also hard to escape the pressure of social media. When you’re inundated with curated posts on the grid, it’s easy to feel like you need to follow a specific path or risk falling short. But parenting means finding what works for your family, your child, and yourself—even if you need to reevaluate what you thought would work or take pieces of an approach and leave the rest.
What to do when gentle parenting doesn't work?
‘Gentle parenting isn't working for me' doesn't have to be a phrase you repeat. You don’t have to stick to a single method at all costs. Showing up for your child in a way that works for both of you is the best parenting approach out there, IMO. If gentle parenting feels like it’s creating more tension than connection, it’s okay to pivot. Even small shifts can make a big difference.
Incorporating flexibility in your parenting approach
If gentle parenting doesn’t feel like the right fit, you can absolutely use some of the approach but not all of it. You can even think of it like an 80/20 approach: keep the focus on empathy and connection most of the time, but understand when it's best to draw and communicate firmer boundaries when needed for your child.
And don’t be afraid to talk with trusted mom friends (send those group texts—I promise you're not alone), lean on your local moms' group, or follow social media accounts that focus on realistic parenting strategies. You’ll probably find you’re in great company with other moms figuring things out and making adjustments just like you are.
Adjusting gentle parenting to fit your family
Like I said, gentle parenting doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing approach. By blending its principles with tools that meet your child’s specific needs and align with your values, you can find a balance that works.
Reframe Your Goals
Instead of focusing on compliance, shift your goal to cooperation. Ask yourself these questions to guide your approach:
- What are my values as a parent in this situation? Identify what’s most important to you—whether it’s safety, kindness, independence, or respect.
- What are my child’s needs? Are they seeking independence, connection, or guidance? Tailor your response to address those needs.
- How can I serve both my values and my child’s needs? Strive to find a middle ground.
Use the “Zone” Tool for Boundaries
Understanding the different types of limits you set can help reduce power struggles:
- Red Zone: Clear, non-negotiable boundaries for safety or kindness, like stopping dangerous behavior. Use C-responses: Connect, Correct, Consequences, Choices (e.g., “I see you're upset. I can't let you hit. Let's take a break and calm down together.”)
- Green Zone: Opportunities to say “yes” and support autonomy, like offering acceptable choices. (“You can wear the rain boots or sneakers—your choice!”)
- Grey Zone: Inconsistencies in limits or values. These can confuse kids and lead to more pushback. Aim to eliminate the grey by staying consistent.
Incorporate Transition Tools
Toddlers thrive on predictability. Tools like 5-minute warnings, visual timers, and clear explanations can help ease transitions. For example, “In 5 minutes, we’re putting the puzzle away and putting on shoes for school.”
Finding a balance between empathy and boundaries
You don’t have to choose between being empathetic and setting boundaries—you can do both. Firm doesn’t mean harsh, and setting clear expectations doesn’t mean abandoning compassion.
For instance, if your child refuses to wear shoes, you can validate their feelings while reinforcing the boundary. “I see you don’t want to wear shoes right now—that’s okay. You can carry them instead.” This allows them to feel some control while still learning natural consequences (i.e. their feet hurt, so next time they’re more willing to comply).
Find the middle ground where your child feels supported (and know this will likely take time and also might change after a little while too—toddlers, am I right?). But if the family dynamic feels manageable, everyone usually thrives.
Resources to Support You
Parenting isn’t one-size-fits-all, but there are incredible tools to help you find your way. Check out these resources:
- The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
- Raising Good Humans Podcast, Episode 67: The Power of Co-Regulation
- Raising Good Humans Podcast: S2 Ep 94: How To Set Clear Boundaries with Sensitivity w/ Dr. Joshua Sparrow
- Raising Good Humans: S2 Ep 30: Bonus Episode: Siblings: Rivalry, Bullying, Fairness and Aggression
- Emotion Coaching: A Tool for Raising Resilient Kids
- No Drama Discipline by Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
- How Sportscasting Helps Kids Develop Social Intelligence – Janet Lansbury
- What To Do (and Not Do) When Kids Have Meltdowns, Tantrums, Strong Emotions – Janet Lansbury
Motherhood is magic, chaos, hard, frustrating, beautiful… it’s everything. All of it. Some days feel like you’re nailing it, and others? Not so much. But even when it’s tough, the fact that you’re here, thinking about how to show up for your child in the best way possible, means you’re doing an incredible job.
If you’re looking for more insights, support, or just a relatable story, I’m here for you. Sign up for the New Modern Mom newsletter for more tips, or reach out to me on Instagram—I’d love to hear from you!
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