Simplified Guide: How to Find an Au Pair for Your Family

When my husband and I first started to go down the route of hosting au pairs for childcare, I had so many questions. And once we got into a good rhythm, the number of people asking me about the experience only grew. Friends, family, moms in the New Modern Mom community reached out, curious about what it’s really like and how to even get started.

And honestly? I can’t recommend it enough. Hosting an au pair has been one of the most enriching childcare experiences for our family. Not only for the support. But also for the cultural exchange that comes with welcoming someone into your home (which is an amazing part of the experience). It's one of those options that more families could benefit from. Though for some reason, it doesn’t always come to mind as a first choice.

If you’ve ever been curious about how au pairs work or how to find one, this guide will walk you through so much of that. From what an au pair actually is, to the benefits of hosting one, to the step-by-step process of finding the perfect match for your family. Whether you're new to the idea or just exploring your options, I’m here to help make it all feel a bit simpler.

Understanding the au pair concept

So, what exactly is an au pair, and why might it be the right fit for your family? If you’re new to the idea of hosting an au pair, don’t worry, there are so many parents with lots of questions. And for many families, it’s one of those childcare options you’ve maybe heard about but don’t totally understand. (I've also got a great podcast episode on my Toolkit Series that gives you more insights to this topic.)

What is an au pair and how can they help your family?

An au pair is typically a young adult, usually between the ages of 18-27, from another country who provides live-in childcare while getting to experience life in a new culture. Think of them as part nanny, part cultural ambassador. They’re there to support your family and become a temporary member of your household while sharing their own traditions and perspectives.

Here’s what this type of childcare can do for your family:

• Childcare support: Help with everything from supervising playtime to school drop-offs, meal prep, and bedtime routines.
• Cultural exchange: Share their language, traditions, and perspectives with your family.
• Flexible schedules: Benefit from childcare during hours that work best for your family.
• Household help: Au pairs assist with light tasks related to the kids, like tidying play areas, doing meal prep for them, or doing their laundry.
• Personalized attention: Focus on your child’s individual needs in a one-on-one or small setting. 

What are the benefits of choosing an au pair over other childcare options?

Choosing an au pair comes with so many unique benefits that can make life feel a little easier (extending your village is a must-do as a mom) and a lot more rewarding (it’s never a bad decision to open your family up to other cultures IMO).

Here are some reasons families love hiring an au pair as their childcare option (and definitely why my family does):

• Live-in support that eliminates the daily drop-off hustle
• Help that adapts to your family’s schedule, including early mornings, evenings, and weekends
• Exposure to a new language and culture for your kids
• A built-in big sibling figure for your little ones
• Personal connection and consistency in care
• Often more cost-effective than multiple daycare enrollments
• Flexibility for last-minute changes or events
• Help with light household to-dos that are related to the kids
• The opportunity to share your family’s culture with someone new
• A unique way to build global connections and lifelong relationships

The legalities of hiring an au pair

Figuring out the legal side of hosting an au pair might sound a little intimidating at first. But I promise, it’s not as complicated as you might think. There are clear processes in place to make sure everything runs smoothly for both you and your au pair, and if you go through an agency, which is the route my family took, then they’ll guide you through a lot of it.

Legalities and requirements for au pairs in the USA

Au pairs coming to the U.S. need a J-1 visa, which allows them to participate in the cultural exchange program. Approved au pair agencies are responsible for managing this process, so you don’t have to figure it out on your own.

Host family eligibility 

To host an au pair, you’ll need to meet certain criteria, like providing a private room and completing an application that shows you’re ready to welcome someone into your home.

Work hours

There are specific guidelines for how much an au pair can work (usually up to 45 hours per week with one full day off) and the types of childcare-related tasks they can help with.

Stipend and benefits

You’ll provide a weekly stipend, room and board, and often contribute toward their educational requirements (part of the program includes taking a class or two during their stay).

Finding the right au pair for your family

Finding the right au pair goes beyond making sure they’ll be a great person for childcare. You also need to be sure they’re a match for your family dynamic. Remember, this is someone who will be living in your home, sharing your space, and becoming a part of your daily life. So, compatibility matters just as much as their skills and experience.

If you’re working with an agency, they’ll handle most of the nitty-gritty details, like legal requirements and program rules. Then you to focus on what’s most important: connecting with someone who feels like the right fit for your family. This process might feel a little overwhelming at first, but with the right questions and priorities in mind, you’ll be able to find someone who fits seamlessly into your routine and home.

Whether you’re looking for certain qualities in an au pair or want to make sure you’re asking thoughtful questions during interviews, the next sections will help guide you through finding your person.

Key qualities to look for in an au pair

Choosing an au pair means finding someone who loves kids and someone that will mesh well with your family’s personality, values, and lifestyle. Here are some key qualities to consider as you search for the right fit:

• Genuine love for children: Look for someone who truly enjoys spending time with kids and has experience working with them.
• Cultural curiosity: An interest in sharing their culture and learning about yours creates a richer experience for everyone.
• Flexibility: Someone who can adapt to your family’s schedule and is open to the unexpected changes of life with kids.
• Strong communication skills: Clear communication, especially across languages, is essential for daily interactions and managing expectations.
• Proactive: An au pair who can step in to help without needing constant direction is ideal.
• Patience: Let’s face it, kids have their moments. A patient, calm demeanor goes a long way.
• Sense of responsibility: Trust is key, so you want someone who takes their role seriously and prioritizes your children’s well-being.
• Adaptability to family life: Living together means you’ll want someone who respects boundaries but also feels comfortable as part of your household.
• Driving skills (if needed): If school drop-offs or errands are part of the role, this might be a dealbreaker for you.

Conducting interviews and assessing compatibility

The interview process is a chance to dig deeper into hiring an au pair and learning more about their personality, skills, and compatibility with your family dynamic.

From quick intro calls to detailed core interviews, each step helps you figure out if this is someone you want to welcome into your home. Having hosted four au pairs, I’ve fine-tuned the approach to interviewing and asking the right questions.

For a complete guide, including must-ask questions and tips for nailing the process, check out my dedicated blog on interviewing au pairs. It’s a great starting point to help you find the best fit for your family.

Using au pair placement agencies vs independent search

When it comes to finding an au pair, there are two main routes to take: working with a placement / partner agency or conducting an independent search. Personally, we’ve always gone through an agency, and I find this to be ideal.

Agencies handle so much of the heavy lifting, from background checks to visa processes, giving you peace of mind and freeing you to focus on finding the right person for your family. While there’s an added cost, the structure and support have made the process feel seamless for us.

These are a few reputable agencies: Cultural Care (the agency my family uses), Au Pair Care, and Au Pair in America. 

Pros and cons of using an agency

Pros of using an agency:

• Handles background checks and visa processes for applicants.
• Provides a pre-vetted pool of candidates.
• Offers structured support throughout the entire placement process.
• Includes guidance for interviews and matching.
• Handles legal compliance and paperwork.
• Often provides ongoing support if any issues come up during the placement.

Cons of using an agency:

• Higher upfront costs compared to an independent search.
• Limited to candidates within the agency’s network.
• May feel less flexible during the selection process.
• Requires you adhere to specific agency timelines and processes.

How to find an au pair without an agency

I’ve never gone this route myself. But, it’s a totally doable option if you prefer a more hands-on approach to finding an au pair. Here are some things you’d need to line up if you want to find an au pair without an agency:

• Background checks: Take the time to really get to know potential candidates to be sure they’re a good, trustworthy fit for your family.
• Visa arrangements: Research and manage the visa process, like the J-1 visa.
• Interviews: Conduct your own interviews to assess compatibility and skills.
• References: Check references to verify experience and reliability.
• Clear expectations: Set up detailed agreements about things like hours, tasks, and compensation.
• Going solo: Be prepared to navigate any issues or challenges without agency backup.

It may take more time and effort, but it’s a way to have complete control over the process.

Preparing your home for an au pair

Since hosting multiple au pairs, I’ve learned that setting up your home to be welcoming and comfortable makes such a difference. You want an au pair to feel like they have space to relax, which means a nice, comfortable room. And that they’re welcome to be a part of the house, like making something in the kitchen for themselves (our go-to meal prep grocery list included items for our au pair each week) or enjoying your outdoor space on a nice day when they’re off the clock. You need to create an environment where they feel at ease, both as part of your household and as an independent adult.

Setting up a welcoming and functional living space

Creating a comfortable space for your au pair doesn’t have to be over the top. A little thoughtfulness goes a long way in making them feel at home. Here are some simple ways to prepare their living area:

• Leave space for them: Clear out decent storage space, like drawers and a closet, so they can settle in and store their belongings.
• Provide the basics: Include linens, extra sets of sheets and towels, and a clean, cozy bed they’ll love.
• Add thoughtful touches: Think about little things that can make the space feel more inviting. Like an air diffuser, a soft throw blanket, a comfy chair, or even a small TV for their downtime.
• Keep it functional: Make sure they have access to a desk or small workspace if needed. And be sure the space is well-lit and comfortable for reading or relaxing.
• Don’t overdo it: Leave some room for them to add their own personal touches. It helps them feel like the space is theirs.

Establishing rules and expectations early on

Getting on the same page early is a must when welcoming an au pair into your home. The thing here is that this doesn’t mean you need to make things feel formal or rigid. Instead, create a foundation for a smooth, comfortable living arrangement for everyone.

When we’ve had au pairs join us, we’ve always valued open communication and a clear understanding of what’s expected, on both sides. Here are a few tips we’ve come to find really helpful:

• Talk about the day-to-day: Go over the basics, like their daily schedule, meal times, and household routines. Make sure they know how things flow in your family.
• Set boundaries: Be upfront about what's expected during their off-hours. Like whether they're welcome to join all family activities or if you’d prefer they have their own time.
• Define tasks clearly: Outline childcare responsibilities and light household tasks to avoid any misunderstandings.
• Discuss privacy and independence: Encourage them to feel at home, but also set boundaries for mutual respect, like knocking before entering private spaces.
• Be flexible: Life happens. Let them know it’s okay to ask questions or bring up concerns as things evolve.
• Have a handbook: Okay, I know it sounds intense, but even a simple written outline of rules, schedules, and household tips can be incredibly helpful when things get busy. (You can totally use ChatGPT to help you with this.)

If you set the tone early on, everyone feels benefits and will feel comfortable and confident. Be open to their feedback as well. Offer space to allow them to share their expectations or preferences. 

At the end of the day, finding the right childcare solution is such a personal decision. Every family has unique needs, and what works for one might not fit for another. And that’s perfectly okay. Hosting an au pair has been such a meaningful choice for our family. I love that it blends practical support with the incredible experience of welcoming someone new into our home. But whether it’s an au pair, nanny, daycare, or a different setup, you need to figure out what feels best for your family’s rhythm.

Childcare is never a one-size-fits-all journey. But, if you’re drawn to the idea of building a stronger support system while sharing cultural experiences with your kids, exploring the au pair route might surprise you. And if not? That’s the beauty of motherhood. We get to decide what works for us.

Have questions or want to learn more? Be sure to subscribe to our newsletter and follow along on Instagram, where I share more about our daily life, motherhood, career, travel, and more. 

Author