Contrary to what society suggests (and what I definitely believed), motherhood doesn’t mean losing yourself. Instead it’s a journey towards discovering your most authentic self. Motherhood has pushed me to grow in ways I never imagined, giving me the patience to see things clearly and the confidence to act with purpose. It’s helped me figure out what really matters—my values, boundaries, passions, and how I want to show up in the world.
Today, I’m sharing my story of how I got comfortable with my new identity, and offering some strategies for you too to try.
My journey to discovering my authentic self
In the process of deep introspection to make the shift from my role as an exec in tech marketing to entrepreneur, I had to take a hard look at what was driving my burnout. Surprisingly, it wasn’t just dissatisfaction with my job (although obviously that was part of it), but in the professional persona I had constructed over the years. I had created this alter ego in the belief it would help me progress in my career and shield me from the insecurities of being too young, being a woman in a male-dominated industry, and subscribing to “fake it till you make it,” all while constantly battling imposter syndrome. For a decade, I juggled two versions of myself—the professional and the personal—yet neither truly felt like me.
Authenticity is more than just being true to yourself. Showing up authentically as yourself transcends every aspect of your life—your career, your role as a mother, a friend, a partner. It helps build genuine relationships, helps you create meaningful work, raise empathetic children, deepen bonds, foster respect, and mutual growth.
So, if you’re feeling stuck or questioning your career or current role, ask yourself this: Does it allow you to be your truest self? Take inventory of what motivates you—both internally and externally—and start with small, intentional acts that bring you closer to the life you want to live.
The importance of self-identity in motherhood
Motherhood is both beautiful and challenging. It’s a journey that can, at times, make women feel like they’re losing their sense of identity. As we take on the new role of caretaker, it’s so easy to prioritize our children’s needs over our own, often without even realizing we’re doing it. But constantly putting yourself last can take a toll. In fact, for me, this led to feelings of resentment, burnout, and feeling lost and alone.
I felt like I had tucked away my personal and professional goals, convincing myself they could wait. Over time, though, I forgot about them entirely, and that slow disconnect wore me down. I began to feel like I wasn’t living as my whole self.
That’s when I realized I needed to make a change—not just for me, but to set an example for my kids. I want them to see that being a good mom doesn’t mean losing yourself. I want my children to grow up understanding the importance of pursuing their passions, honoring their values, and staying true to who they are. Finding your sense of identity within motherhood honestly benefits the whole family.
Breaking the myth of being “just” a mom
There's a common misconception that once you become a mother, your identity should revolve solely around your children. And while of course, caring for our children is a priority, it doesn't mean we should lose ourselves in the process. I know from my own experience, and I’m sure many other mothers can relate, that maintaining a sense of self and pursuing personal goals contributes to greater happiness and fulfillment in motherhood.
So how do we break this myth? Finding yourself after motherhood starts with realizing that being a mom is just one aspect of who we are. We are multifaceted individuals with our own needs, interests, passions, and dreams outside of motherhood. When we embrace and weave these parts of ourselves into our role as moms, it will help us feel more authentic and fulfilled in every aspect of our life.
Why your individuality matters for healthy parenting
As moms, our well-being directly impacts our kids. I experience this daily: when I'm frustrated, upset, or exhausted, it often reflects in my parenting, and usually not in the best of ways. I don’t know about you, but I’m way more likely to lose my patience and snap when I’m feeling frazzled.
For me, my well-being greatly depends on some self-care and self-love. When I’m nurturing myself, pursuing my passions, and being my true self, I feel balanced. But when I’m not, everything feels off, and it definitely spills over into how I parent. I want to be a role model for my kids by showing them it’s okay to be my real self, set healthy boundaries, and have an identity outside of motherhood.
Practical steps to rediscovering yourself after motherhood
Here are some practical steps to help you rediscover your individuality and pursue your personal goals, all while being a mom:
Setting boundaries and finding personal space
Setting boundaries around personal time and space is really important to me because not only do I crave my own free time, but it also relaxes and re-energizes me. I’ll go on a walk with our dog Bear and listen to a podcast, take a workout class, or even just grab a coffee alone. These things don't take up that much time, but anyone handling the relentless pressures of motherhood will understand how much even a few solo minutes matter. And the key is finding what works for you, whether it’s reading in bed for an extra five minutes or enjoying a bubble bath after your kids are in bed.
Rekindling passions and exploring new interests
I think being a mom is the perfect time to rekindle old interests and explore new passions for the first time. Part of rediscovering yourself after motherhood could be in the form of painting, writing, dancing or playing a sport. Finding time for activities that bring you joy is incredibly important for maintaining your sense of self. And it’s also a great way to show your kids the importance of pursuing what matters to them and to try new things.
I recently interviewed Hitha Palepu, CEO, author, speaker, and mom of two, who shared insights on how to thrive in multiple roles as a mother. She talked about “the multi-hyphenate mindset,” and shared practical advice on balancing various passions and responsibilities while staying true to your personal goals.
“I think all of us are multi-hyphenate. Very few of us just choose to define ourselves that way. Working in pharma is a very much delayed gratification type of role. I needed something that was a little bit more immediate gratification that also satisfied my very creative itch. And so it started as a blog because that was a hobby I could do from wherever when I was traveling all the time. And I think that experience has helped me in my professional life. It’s also helped me with my personal life because having that type of time management when you have another big career and this creative endeavor that really fulfills you, sets the stage on how to manage time extremely efficiently.” – Hitha Palepu
Hitha highlights the importance of finding balance and letting go of guilt when pursuing multiple passions. While it can be tough at times, with good time management and prioritization, it’s possible to succeed in different areas of life (that’s why I love habit-stacking, because you can start to incorporate small acts into your daily routines to invest in the areas of life you want to improve or grow in).
Investing in self-care and mental health
As moms, we often put everyone else’s needs before our own. However, it’s important to prioritize self-care and mental health in order to be the best versions of ourselves and for our families. These moments in parenthood are super important for keeping your sanity, avoiding resentment, and lowering stress-levels.
The good news is that finding time for self-care after becoming a mom doesn't have to be overwhelming. By making small changes and being intentional with your schedule, you can find moments to show yourself some love throughout the day. Here are some examples:
- Wake up 30 minutes early to meditate, journal, exercise, or enjoy a hot cup of coffee in peace.
- Utilize nap times and TV time to read, get in a quick workout, or simply rest.
- Plan a night after the kids go to bed to reconnect friends, join a cookbook club, or local moms outing. Connection with others is such a good form of self-care.
- Take a walk to a local coffee shop solo (alone time is just as important, too).
- Invest in services that save you time and energy and reduce that mental load all moms carry—think meal delivery or hiring a cleaning service.
Look good, feel good: finding your style
It's amazing how much our clothing can boost our confidence. When you feel good in what you're wearing, it often affects your attitude, confidence, and the course of your day. Dressing to look and feel your best is a daily reminder of your self-worth, and I try to remember this every time I grab a new pair of cute sunglasses or opt for a new hairstyle.
I look at dressing or styling myself as a form of self-care (which is why I created my 5-minute makeup routine!). Even though I WFH, I make sure to put on “real” clothes, and try not to resort to sweatpants or leggings 24/7. I want to feel my best, and looking my best plays a big role in that.
Incorporating change into your daily routine
Change doesn't have to be daunting or overwhelming. Making small changes into your daily routine can help you feel more in control and confident, which can definitely boost your self-worth and self-esteem. Here are some simple ways to incorporate change into your daily routine:
Small acts of independence every day
Carve out “me time” daily even if that is just 40 minutes with you and your partner switching off. Remember the power of incrementality. Working out just 20 minutes a day, equates to almost 2.5 hours a week of movement. Reading just 10 pages of a book a day could mean finishing a book every month. Every little action counts.
Building a support network with other moms
It's always important to have a support system, especially when you're going through changes. Connect with other moms who are also trying to find their sense of self and get advice or share tips on how you can incorporate these changes into your daily routine. You can join local groups, online forums, or even reach out to friends who are in a similar stage of life.
I’ve started pushing myself to make the first move, and now I find myself chatting with other parents at the park or during school drop-off. I’ve even made a few friends this way (proud of myself!).
Keeping the spark alive with your partner
With all the responsibilities that come with being a mom, it’s easy to let your relationship take a backseat. But don’t forget about your partner during this time of change. Find ways to keep the spark alive—this could be planning date nights, making small gestures of love and appreciation, or just taking a break from mommy duties to focus on each other. This not only revitalizes your relationship and keeps it strong but also helps prevent resentment from building up and simmering.
Overcoming challenges and setbacks
Change is not always easy, and it’s important to acknowledge that there may be challenges and setbacks along the way. Don't be too hard on yourself if you slip up or don't achieve your goals as quickly as you'd like. Remember to give yourself grace and recognize that progress takes time.
TBH this is SUCH a hard concept to accept as a high-performing person. I have two comments on this…
- You need to be realistic with your true bandwidth. I was overly aggressive with the goals I set for myself when I first went “all-in” on New Modern Mom. There simply were not enough hours in the day to do everything I wanted in the time I had.
- *Try* to enjoy the journey, reflect often on how far you’ve come, and celebrate the small wins.
Dealing with mom guilt and social expectations
As moms, we often feel pressure to do it all and be perfect. But the truth is, there's no such thing as a perfect mom. We all have our own strengths and weaknesses, and that's okay! Don't let societal expectations or “mom guilt” hold you back from making changes that are best for you and your family. Embrace the fact that being a mom is a learning process, and give yourself permission to make mistakes along the way.
Finding strength in vulnerability
Don't be afraid to open up and share your struggles with others, whether it's a trusted friend or a support group. You'll likely find that many other moms are going through similar experiences, and together you can offer each other support and encouragement. Who knows—you might just make a new friend.
Motherhood is a beautiful and challenging journey, but it's important to remember that you are more than being a mom. Finding yourself after motherhood should mean taking care of yourself and your relationship can help you be the best version of you for your family. I hope at least a few of the tips in this post can help you achieve the fulfillment you’re striving for.
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