Sharing my miscarriage story because it shouldn’t be taboo to talk about
[Deep breath in] I’ve probably written 6 different versions of this blog post over the last year – well before the idea of starting the New Modern Mom blog even crossed my mind. My life changed in April 2019 when I heard that heartbeat, and I at my core changed in May 2019 when it was no longer there. [Exhale]
Miscarriage stories aren’t talked about enough – the commonness of it, the experience physically to deal with it, the emotional tole it takes on your mind, the affect it has on you when you do eventually get pregnant again.
I couldn’t talk about my miscarriage for the first couple of months, not without bursting into tears. Then as I became more comfortable with the reality of what had happened, talking about it – saying out loud “I had a miscarriage” – became therapeutic. I realized that by speaking about my miscarriage story, I didn’t feel so alone. There was always a connection that a person had to someone else who also had a miscarriage. It really really is common – this terrible thing that has happened to you, has happened to so many other women.
Sharing my miscarriage story publicly
I thought about sharing publicly about my experience so many times in the last year, not because I was proud and wanted the world to know what had happened to me, but because I so desperately seeked out similar experiences by others when I went through it. A single Instagram post by an acquaintance made me feel better, reading a miscarriage blog from a total stranger made me feel better, hearing from a friend that her friend also had a miscarriage made me feel better.
At the time I needed to know it wasn’t just me this happened to, it wasn’t my fault, that each day emotionally gets better, and I would be able to move on. So I’ve wanted to be there, even if it’s just virtually, for anyone who may be going through a similar experience. I’m glad I found the right outlet now through the New Modern Mom blog to be able to share my path to moving on, hoping it helps other women know that there is a brighter day ahead.
The Path to Overcoming My Miscarriage
Letting close friends and family know about the miscarriage
We found out at our 10 week appointment that we had a miscarriage. At that point our close family and select close friends knew we were pregnant. Immediately I regretted telling anyone, because now instead of celebrating with them, we had to go through the process of telling them we no longer were pregnant.
While it was uncomfortable and incredibly sad to send this message, I’m very glad we had the support. I’m so thankful for those who sent ice cream, sent flowers, came over uninvited and just sat with me. I needed those gestures forced onto me, because I would have never asked for them myself.
I’m even more thankful to have such an amazing husband and partner who while dealing with the pain himself was able to stay strong for both of us through the grieving process.
“Miscarriage” has a stigma, don’t let that stop you from talking about it
At the time, I only had one close friend who had gone through a miscarriage. It was good to be able to talk about what I was going through with her and ask the questions you can’t find answers to online.
Know that you are not alone. Reach out to friends for support. It’s okay to grieve – go through the process. When you are comfortable, talk about it, it really does help.
I was desperate to be pregnant again
After the initial shock and accepting I was no longer pregnant, I immediately became fixated on when I would get pregnant again. I remember longingly staring at a mom’s workout group in the nearby park everytime we’d take our dog on a walk. All I wanted was to be a mom.
Pregnancy anxiety & hesitation
When I found out I was pregnant again, I was scared to say it out loud. Every day of every week in that first trimester I worried a miscarriage would happen again. I didn’t want to be excited and I was terrified to share the news. Instead of announcing it again to close family and friends in a fun and cute way, we casually let them know with hesitation in our eyes.
Allowing myself to be excited for my rainbow baby
I was having an honest conversation with a best friend sharing my anxiety and reservations about my pregnancy, when she gave me the best advice that I still am grateful for to this day – “you deserve to celebrate and be excited for this pregnancy.” She was right, I did. My entire first trimester I avoided doing any of the typical pregnancy prep – I wouldn’t allow myself to read the books, look at baby clothes, plan for our future. In my second trimester, I allowed that pregnancy glow to set in and celebrate the changes to come. Even through the uncomfortable times, I cherished every moment of my pregnancy. For as awful of an experience it was to go through a miscarriage, it made me appreciate the pregnancy process so much more. I truly loved being pregnant and everything was worth it for my rainbow baby.
This wasn’t an easy blog to write, but I’m hoping that by sharing my miscarriage story I’ve helped even just one person. October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, let’s keep the conversation going.